Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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