I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
