How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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