dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
