So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
