There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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