Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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