New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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