I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My feet surprised me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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