She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
