Kiss
Puke
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
