Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
