I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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