I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
