I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
