She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
