Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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