My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
