my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
