I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
