Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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