i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
