Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
