I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Someone shattered a urinal.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
