my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
