I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
