the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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