I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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