Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
