Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
