If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
