a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
