I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
