We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
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