Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
