turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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