You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Mom said you looked used
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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