there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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