I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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