I think i peed on brittanys purse
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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