Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
