The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
