I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
