Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
