It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
