Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
