I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
