i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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