On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
