too bad you live with your parents still
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
