Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
