i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
