I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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