He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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