If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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